Father’s Day, looking back

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, when we are to honor our fathers, or for some of us who are fathers, to be honored.  It’s probably the day that more Goofy ties and socks are given as gifts than any other day in the year.  A day where you take the old man out for lunch, and he usually ends up paying for it.  Sort of a last minute holiday if you ask me, something made up to fill a vacancy in June.  And perhaps to cause confusion with in certain communities… Ok, that wasn’t nice, but there it is.

But for those of us who had a father, knew our fathers, and loved our fathers, its a day to pay our respects and show our love and gratitude. 

My father, Vance Duke, was my hero, at times my best friend, and at times someone who drove me to distraction. I loved him and he loved me, but we were so much alike in many ways that we often butted heads.  He was a “my way, or no way” sort of man, and I’m not too far from that myself.  What I saw as interference as a younger person, I now see as him trying to guide me because he loved me.  I wish now that I’d listened a lot more, and argued a lot less, because while all his advice wasn’t dead on, the general ideas he was pushing were.

He grew up poor, worked hard all his life, and wanted for each of his children what he never had.  We were by no means rich, but we never went hungry, though I know for a fact that he struggled at times to keep us afloat.  I never once in my life doubted he loved me, but there were times when I doubted he approved of me.  He was far from perfect, and his temper was a thing to fear.  But his love was endless, and even in our darkest times, he never stopped loving me.  Of all the things in my life I’ve doubted, his love was never one of them.

I’ve tried to take all the good attributes from his parenting and apply them to my own parenting, leaving the things I percieve as “bad” parenting behind.

Some of those things I will list out for you,  my collection from my father.  Some of them I learned by observation, some he told me outright.

Never let a day go by that you don’t tell your child you love them, in fact, tell them as often as possible.  A  child needs to know that no matter what, you are still their father, and that no matter what, you will always love them.

Never punish in anger, never let your temper control your disipline.  The punishment should fit the offense, but don’t over punish. Once you’ve punished, then let it go.  Unfortantly, my dad had problems with bringing up things later, like 20 or 30 years later. I once as a 6 year old flushed a toy down the toliet, and though in years later I completly redid the entire bathroom to include the plumbing all the way to the septic tank, I was still reminded , ” Dat toliet ain’t flushed right since you flushed dat damn toy down it .”

Take your children to church, don’t send them.  Attend with them, show them that it is important to you.

Don’t give them everything they ask for. 

Some things should be earned, something given for free has less value than something you’ve worked for.

Listen when they need to talk, offer advice when asked for, but respect their right to have a different opinion.  This one comes later when they are grown.  Pops had a bit of trouble with this one too.

Don’t play favorites, each child is your favorite, and pitting one against the other is a sure way to create life long animosity.

And perhaps one of my favorites, don’t be afraid to tell them you are sorry if you are wrong, admit when you’ve done them a wrong.

My father passed away five years ago, and I miss him greatly.  If I could go back and undo all the hurt I cause him, and he cause me, I would, but alas.

Breathe easy Daddy, I love you.

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